no, apparently I won't get to the end

I haven't posted on here for a while - because I got my BFP on 4 April! Am feeling pretty terrified, to be honest - GP is referring me for an early reassurance scan because of previous mc so am hoping to see a heartbeat in a week or so.

Will have to start a new blog...

I wonder if I'll get to the end?

Despite it being only 5 weeks into my 12 week challenge, DP and I are now very much trying again for a baby. I have been trying to work things out and if things are 'normal' (and that's a big if!) then I should ovulate this weekend, and so am really fertile now.

My body is trying to confuse me, I think - this morning I feel exactly like I did when I was first pregnant. I'm constipated, my head is swimming and I feel sick/starving hungry/sick in cycles. It feels like some kind of reminder of what I'm trying to get to.

Bit achy today as I skipped a lot in the park yesterday morning. Was planning to do the same this morning but stayed in bed and DTD with DP instead! Which was a bit more fun, frankly.

5 weeks in...

Have just realised I'm 5 weeks into the 12 weeks. I feel like I'm doing ok; the trip to South Africa did screw things up a bit but I'm trying so hard to be good now. And now that I'm on a higher dose of Metformin I do have to be more careful anyway, or I get a terribly upset stomach.
I am pleased that I'm at 15 stone now - on the scales this morning it was wavering like it was going to be just below, but it settled on it. I'd love to get it just under by next week's weigh in.
I really feel like I'm going to meet my target. Fingers crossed.

the end of the reign of vegetables

The detox is over. Really stuck to it, and it's pretty much the first time I've done something like this and actually stuck to it properly. So I'm very pleased with myself. So yesterday was the first day not on it, and it was fun...at first. We had DP's kids and we had hot cross buns for breakfast (I just had one, they all had two!!!), then tuna mayo sandwiches for a picnic lunch at a farm - where we saw tiny, tiny newborn lambs...aw! - and then roast chicken for dinner. I had a glass of wine with dinner, then a glass of cava when DP got back from dropping the kids off at their mums. We had been together for 3 years yesterday so were celebrating. DP bought me a lovely silver ring with a heart on it that I had admired in a shop months ago. And then we had some chocolate.

And then I was sick. And had the runs. The Met belly hit with a vengeance and I just felt dreadful. The worst was when we went to bed and I started having palpitations and was incredibly light headed and was totally freezing. It was awful. Still feel wobbly this morning and my stomach is still a bit upset, so not fun at all. I must be more careful with what I eat with the Metformin, and I'm not having more than one drink again - I've noticed before that I just can't deal with more than one, but this was the worst.

So a lovely fruit salad with pumpkin seeds and honey for breakfast this morning, and homemade carrot and orange soup for lunch and just generally keeping an eye on the diet.

On a positive front, though, the detox did get me back to the starting weight and more - I'm now at 15 stone. I want soooo much to get down to below 15...

I'm on a detox, yah?

I'm on day 3 of the detox now. Halfway through day 1 I got a headache that didn't shift until the end of day 2; and my body was totally rebelling against what I was trying to eat - I made a Morrocan vegetable stew that I've made before and enjoyed, but I was gagging as I cooked it and could hardly eat any of it! Was saying to DP last night that it's just as well I could have chicken etc today or I would be giving up.

This morning I blearily made my way to the bathroom mirror, ready to pluck the overnight hairs that had appeared. Except - there were none. I usually have to spend about 10 minutes sorting out the little blighters, but not a single appearance. And then I noticed that I haven't got any spots. I'm on my period and am usually pretty pimply around this time, but they've all gone. I haven't had skin as clear as this since I was about 9.

It's like being smacked in the face - these side effects of PCOS are within my control. I couldn't follow this as a general diet - not enough protein! - but I'm going to try so hard to incorporate some things in to my life, properly, and not just saying one thing and doing another.

Also, even though I've just increased my Metformin dose, the Met belly has gone too, hurray!

onwards and upwards

By now I should be on day 2 of the 4-day detox but I decided at the weekend to postpone starting it till tomorrow, as DP's parents are coming round for dinner to celebrate his mum's birthday tonight and I didn't really want to be sitting with a plate of lentils while they all ate DP's delicious tandoori chicken. But we went to the supermarket at the weekend and got everything I need, have the menus all planned out and I'm feeling confident I can do it - it is only 4 days after all, and it doesn't look too ridiculous.

We were down at our old house in London packing it up over the weekend as we are moving next month - we've been renting for 6 months while we sold the London house and bought a new one. Got lots done but eating healthily was not on the cards, oh dear...tricky to cook in the old house as there's nothing much left in the kitchen, so we bought pizza at the supermarket on Friday night, had chips on Saturday night and then when we got back here on Sunday late and having had no lunch we caved in and went to the Indian takeaway for curry. Oops. However, on Saturday morning I walked miles in London (enjoying doing the touristy thing along the South Bank now I no longer live there!) and we also went for quite a long walk on Hampstead Heath on Sunday afternoon. Followed by the pub - where I had a diet coke rather than a big glass of wine. When I weighed myself this morning I realised I'd shifted three of the pounds I put on last week - would have done more, I'm sure, if I hadn't eaten so much crap over the weekend, but am pleased anyway as I thought I'd just be the same.

Am hopeful that the detox will at least take me back to the weight I started at!!!

naughty!!!!!!

Well I was a bad girl last week. Off in South Africa for work, which was a really great trip actually. I realised it was going to be very tricky to take the Metformin (12 hour flights/clambering around unfinished stadiums with no working toilets etc) and so I dropped it for the week. And then because I wasn't taking it, I had a few drinks. And then a few more. And lots of very nice food. And, you've guessed it, I've put on weight. Six pounds! I was a bit shocked at how much.

I bought a magazine (She) to read on the plane, and it had an article about Zita West and her fertility diet. In it was a 4-day detox to kick start your fertility. I am going to give it a try from Monday-Thursday next week. It didn't look too desperately awful, lots of lentils and beans and stuff for three of the days, and you can add white meat and fish on one of the days. It seemed like it would be worth a go.

Another naughty thing I've done is upped my Metformin dose to 1500mg, from yesterday. My GP is great, but she wouldn't put me on more as 1000mg is what the healthcare trust around here recommend. All the research seems to show that 1500mg and above is where the drug will start to work, and I can't see the point of taking it and getting the side effects if its not actually doing any good. I feel rough, though, very dodgy tummy and so tired. But then, I'm working full time and have also taken on an extra job for a while to try and sort our financial situation out a a bit, so working 60-70 hours a week.

And another naughty thing...we ditched the condoms last night. And this morning. Aside from a 'but this will mean the Christmas baby we've been trying to avoid' from DP we haven't actually talked about it. But it looks like we are TTC again. I haven't had a period since coming off the pill so I think it will take a while anyway; but then we thought that last time and it happened within days.

If only...

snow and sun

DP and I had a great time playing badminton on Saturday afternoon and have vowed to do it again really soon. We both worked up quite a sweat and were rather stiff the next day. Was a bit naughty yesterday afternoon as at DP's parents again for his sister's birthday, ate lovely roast goose and potatoes and veg - that was all ok, but I did have a bit of gorgeous cake and two glasses of wine. At home later we watched the BAFTAs and ate home made oatcakes with trout pate (I was feeling quite guilty about that but then noticed the pate was made with low fat yoghurt, so it could have been worse). I did feel very sick later, though, so obviously overdid it a bit with the fat somewhere.

Working from home today so scrambled eggs for breakfast. Am off to South Africa for work tomorrow and am hoping the hotels will have a pool so I can swim. Will have to work hard to be good as it is a bit of a press jaunt so being wined and dined in very lovely places. Wish me luck! (I know, poor me...)

urgh

Things have gone a little off-track as I haven't been very well. Was supposed to be going to a Body Attack class (how much fun does that sound? Not much, I hear you cry) on Thursday night, but woke up on Thursday just feeling so grim and tired that I thought maybe I'd go swimming instead. Got to about 11am and realised that instead of feeling better, l was feeling worse and worse. Gave up about 1pm and came home. I had a yoghurt in the morning so I could take the Metformin, and then DP made a lovely dinner of roast pheasant, which I could only eat a few mouthfuls of (to take the other Metformin tablet!) before giving up. Felt a bit better today but incredibly tired - we had a big argument last night over absolutely nothing and I realise that I think I'm feeling insanely hormonal. I wonder if it's because I've given up the Cerazette? Anyway, cried for ages and woke up all puffy eyed and feeling a bit desperate so called in sick. Realised after a bit of a lie in that I actually felt lots better - oh well. Am off on a work trip next week that will mean I'm away from home for most of next weekend so I don't feel too guilty about being off today. I had some toast for breakfast, then we went out for a walk - stopped at a cafe by the river and had tea and cake. I think the sugar was all too much for me, especiallly after not eating much the day before, as then felt very dizzy and sick and had horrid 'Met belly'. Felt ok after dinner, but DP gets really upset as he thinks he should be reminding me to be careful with food...then I feel guilty because I don't want him to be thinking I can't look after myself. Lesson learned, I hope.

To make up for missing exercise on Thursday night, DP and I have booked a badminton court at the leisure centre tomorrow afternoon. And I was hoping to go for a run in the morning but as it's now 4.15am and I can't sleep, I'm a bit doubtful that will actually happen. More likely to turn into a wander to the farmers market and reading the paper over lunch. Oh well.

Rambo!

Well, it was weigh-in day today - and I've lost...nothing! Frankly I'm just relieved I haven't put on weight as we had a three course meal last night - a fairly healthy one but not totally healthy. It was a kind of Valentine's treat and a bit of a one off. I'm hoping that next week there will be some difference.

Tonight I went to a boxercise class...I can't believe I paid to be tortured like that! I'm so knackered. But even though I hated it, I'm glad I did it. I am so knackered now though, and I can't imagine how achy I'm going to be in the morning. I've booked a Body Attack class for Thursday night - eek!

Watched One Born Every Minute on Channel 4 again tonight, and it helps to be reminded what I'm working towards. Did get a bit weepy - DP is away at his parents house tonight with the kids, and I felt a bit sad.

I've decided to give up taking the pill from tomorrow. My GP put me on Cerazette after the MC and it's not agreeing with me, I'm bleeding loads. And I want to be able to see how regular my periods are etc before we try to conceive again. I'm a bit nervous about it, but I suppose I could always go back on it if it was a problem.

Monday, Monday

Out in Suffolk for the weekend at my partner's parents house, with the stepkids. We had a lovely time, lots of games and nice food, and I tried hard to be good but I did have a slice of chocolate tart for pudding on Saturday. And last night we had a roast chicken, which was fab - I had loads of veggies too. But I made a big mistake. I had a bit of lemon pudding and some ice cream, and I also had a glass of wine. I took my Metformin with dinner...and then we drove home. (The kids stayed in Suffolk). Big mistake. About halfway back I started getting tummy cramps and feeling sick, ending in us pulling into a service station and me flying into the loo only to throw up on the floor and then spend half an hour on the loo. Bloody met belly. No fun.

So we got home at 11 and I was feeling grim and just went to bed. Still feel a bit wobbly this morning and that scuppered my exercise plan for today so I feel guilty. Can't do anything tonight because I'm doing some training for a new job working from home, on top of my full-time job, so tomorrow's weigh in I suspect might be a bit of a disaster.

bleurgh

Yoga last night was actually really great. It was at a little place run by a husband and wife, I met the husband last night and he was so lovely. Everyone was really friendly and the instructor was great. She said she thinks yoga is perfect for those TTC as it gets you into shape but also relaxes you. Here's hoping. I enjoyed the class a lot more than I expected and I'll definitely be going back. My next class won't be till the 3rd March as they're shut next week and I'm away on business the week after but I'm looking forward to it. Next week I've booked myself into a boxercise class at the leisure centre. Eek.

I was going to get up and skip this morning! But I felt quite poorly. Last night I had horrible sharp pains in my left ovary and I feel really grotty today. Am hoping I'm just a bit tired and I'll perk up later. When I get home I'm planning to do a dance class routine from YouTube. DP will be picking up his kids from London so I'll have time to do it before they get back. I'm not going to do anything exercise-related over the weekend, just have a nice time with the stepkids. Will keep up the healthy eating and exercise on the weekdays.

I've had to set myself some ground rules: having the weekends off is one (unless we don't have the kids, in which case I might do something). And the other is that I must only weigh myself once a week. I had said to myself that I'd only do it on Tuesday mornings (that being the day I began the challenge) but I weighed myself this morning. I'd actually put on 2 lbs! This does seem to happen when I exercise, and everyone says its normal but obviously it's a bit disappointing. So must be stricter with myself and the scales.

I worked out that this challenge will end on Tuesday 4 May. And that's about when we'll be starting TTC again. I really think I can do this, with that goal in mind. I really think I can lose the 5% of my body weight, but it would be so great if I could do 10%. Fingers crossed.

on the third day...

...I was planning to go and use my skipping rope in the park this morning, but there were some big snowstorms here yesterday and everything was covered in snow this morning. I should have got up and done a YouTube workout. But I didn't. However I have booked a yoga class for tonight - I've only ever done it a few times and I can't say I really enjoyed it. But I would like to be more flexible and I'd also like to do yoga when I'm pregnant so might as well start now. It's going to be weekly, but for one reason or another, there will be a gap between classes of a couple of weeks, so I'm hoping I can pick up a few things tonight I can practise between classes.

I was hungry when I got in from work last night and I crumbled a little bit...last year, the week before my miscarriage, we were burgled. Well, I say burgled - we left the back door unlocked and someone came in and took our bags. It was really horrible, but they didn't take lots of other stuff that was lying around - the police reckon they got disturbed, and in fact because I was still pregnant at the time I was getting up about three times a night to go to the loo, which is downstairs. I did hear some noises, but we live in a terraced cottage and the walls are really thin so I didn't think much of it. Anyway, last week the police called to say our bags had been found in our local park (the one that's about 5 seconds from our house!) The bags were ruined, very damp, and my ipod was gone but pretty much everything was still in it. Including a Cadbury's Boost, which at the time was a big massive craving. It made me a little sad - but we were amused to discover it was fine! When I got home last night, DP had eaten half of it and left me the other half. It would have been rude not to. Wouldn't it?

Wish me luck for yoga - I hope I don't embarrass myself too much.

day two - the snow comes

I woke up from a fabulous dream (I took my parents to see Legally Blonde the Musical, and Dolly Parton was there, sitting in front of us!) to the sound of my alarm. I couldn't work out why it was so early, and then I remembered I'd set it for 7.15 so I'd be able to get up and go for a run. Ugh. Peeked out of the window, it wasn't raining, so up I got.

DP was a bit bemused, but encouraging (as he rolled over and tucked himself up in the warm duvet).

I used to run quite a bit when I was a teenager, but apart from training for and doing the Race for Life in 2006, I haven't done any since. I pulled on my trainers and my warm fleecy hat, popped some inspirational music on the iPod, opened the front door, stepped out and...

fell on my arse.

Apparently it was quite icy last night.

Once I'd picked myself up again, I slithered to the park (which is about 5 seconds away from my house) and surveyed the slippery paths. Clearly I couldn't run on them, so I chose to run on the grass. After some stretching I began to do 1 minute running and 1 minute walking, alternately. I had hoped to do 10 minutes - so 5 minutes running and 5 minutes walking - but I couldn't manage it; so just 4 minutes of running and 6 of walking! Just as I was finishing it began to snow and then I had to walk to work in a snowstorm. That might put paid to my plans to skip in the park tomorrow morning (must look out that skipping rope) but I've discovered loads of fitness videos on YouTube so could always do one of them. Me and DP are planning on going swimming tomorrow evening too.

My plan is to try and do at least three bouts of intensive exercise a week throughout the challenge, and more if I can manage it.

We went out for a drink last night and I had a small glass of red wine and then was naughty and had another glass of white with dinner (home made tandoori chicken and rice - kind of healthy? Sadly DP also made onion bhajis, which were too delicious not to eat. Oh well). Trying to only have a couple of drinks a week - I feel awful if I drink much on the Metformin anyway so that does make it easier.

We also watched One Born Every Minute on Channel 4, which was a good reminder of why I'm doing this in the first place...

Day One

These are the facts...

It's Tuesday 9 February.

I am 30 years old.

Having had a miscarriage at the end of last year, we are now waiting until we've moved house (April) and till it's a bit later in the year and so no chance of a winter baby. I'm a winter baby and so are my two stepchildren, so I really want to spread it out a bit. Also, I loathe being a winter baby, so it would seem pretty hypocritical to moan about it to my parents all my life and then do the same.

We will be starting to try again in about 14 weeks, so I figure now is a good time to sort myself out.

I'm overweight, and because everyone kept telling me it would take ages to conceive, I thought I'd have time to lose weight before getting pregnant. But I got pregnant straight away! So this time I'd like to be a bit fitter.

I am currently 212 lbs. I've lost about 5 lbs already, but I'm still at the heaviest I've ever been. I'd like to lost 10% of my body weight but I'm initially aiming at 5% and we'll see how that goes. That would take me to 206 lbs.

I would like to exercise 3 times a week, so I'm going to try and record that here, and my weight loss.

I will also begin the folic acid again. I'm on 1000mg of Metformin, which has some unpleasant side effects but I'm hoping it will help.